Updated: Dec 1, 2021
Welcome to the love advice segment, the podcast that deals with issues specific to queer culture. My name is Kim, my pronouns are she/they and each episode I answer the questions you send in via my Instagram, email, and deep dive on an issue you tend to stumble upon when you date queer.
Hello, everyone, welcome back. How's everyone doing? Feels like it's been a very long time since my last podcast episode.
If you follow me on Instagram, you might know that I just had like, three days of migraines, and then this is the fifth day of like, leftover headache. And it's dying down. So that's good. But I'm a little bit all over the place. I realized I'm going away. I'm going to see my friend in the Netherlands where I used to live and also pick up some of my stuff that's still there. And I realised I would need to do a podcast episode ~now~ If I wanted to do one so here we go.
It's a little bit impromptu as a topic that I've been writing a post about and thinking about a lot recently. So the topic is, Are you your own fuck boy.
I think we all pretty much know what a fuck boy is. Let's remove gender from it for a second because we're thinking about the behaviours of a fuck boy rather than any gender dynamics that there are. Right?
fuck boy, this is someone of any gender who plays with people's feelings. It doesn't really like them, but would say and do anything to get what they want from that person. They don't have respect for the people that they date, but they rely on them heavily. Fuckboys are distant and won't commit.
And that definition is a combination of urban dictionary and dictionary.com which I was surprised to find have the definition of fuck boy. All right. So fuck boy in your brain, it's more likely than you think. Let's lay out all of the classic tools of a fuck boy. And I will show you how you use these on yourself all the time. So I'm going to go through a list of fuck boy traits hallmarks behaviours,
a focus on the purely sexual
a lack of emotional investment
a lack of true connection
maybe even saying some nasty things
that will be like the last tool in the fuckboys Arsenal because that's hard to come back from.
So let's start with inconsistent communication. You have radio silence for weeks and then you get a message at 2am Asking if you're about if you're What are you doing tonight at 2am is like having a hierarchy of like putting people in a hierarchy depending on like their worth and what you can get out of them. And usually sexually and then treating people accordingly based on where they are in that hierarchy so if they're at the bottom they get texted at 2am once everyone else is unavailable
And don't we treat ourselves like that most of the time preferring to point our attention at literally anything else but ourselves for the majority of the day. Having a hierarchy that puts our own needs always right at the bottom of the list and only addressing ourselves when we have well and truly run out of distractions
Okay, the next one inconsistent attention slash validation the fuck boy uses attention and validation as like manipulative tools, giving you only enough to breadcrumb you along behind them. And then that has you happy for like the bare minimum and hungry for the next crumbs. So even if the fuck boy only gives you a tiny little bit of attention, because it's so inconsistent you're so grateful for it and then you're willing to wait around for the next little bit of attention.
We do this to ourselves as well is when we have conditions for our worth. These conditions are very small print and you might not even notice them. Maybe you'll feel them pop into your head as I read out the sentences
promising ourselves happiness only once we look a certain way, achieve a certain goal, or meet a certain standard. So we're only allowed to be happy once we get there.
requiring that we get approval from someone else to prove our desirability before we will believe that we're desirable. So like fishing for compliments, or when you post a picture, and you really don't feel good about yourself until you get some likes and comments.
And then when you do get this approval, or the feelings of being good enough, last only, like a maximum of an hour before we are sent out to find more crumbs of validation, our brains will not let us just be worthy.
We constantly need to prove it to ourselves with other people's opinions. The idea that our value depends on looks, achievements or status is taught to us by a society that can really make a lot of money off of us when we feel unworthy. Somehow, our culture has convinced us that this inconsistent validation is like a motivator, or has us feeling that if we don't stake our happiness on being skinny, or healthy, or successful, or pretty or rich, or in a relationship, we would never bother to do any of it. As if if we loved ourselves already, and didn't require all of this validation for ourselves. And all of these signifiers of worth, then we would never bother to do those things like like, you wouldn't go to uni, if you weren't desperately trying to prove that you were smart. Or that you wouldn't put an effort into the way you look, if you already loved yourself.
It's not true.
It's actually easier to follow your wants and needs when you aren't doing it as like a survival when it doesn't feel like your entire happiness is riding on it, you know.
Okay, next up is mixed messages. Sometimes it's the actions of a fuck boy that don't match up with what they say. And sometimes they even contradict themselves with words, I think we've all probably experienced this to a certain extent.
We do this all the time to ourselves that we set standards for ourselves, and then we refuse to meet them. Like, for example, you say, Oh, this week, I'm going to eat healthily, I'm going to I'm going to exercise or I'm only going to date people who respect me. And then we do the opposite. Not only that, but we also punish ourselves for afterwards, as if punishing ourselves was gonna make the outcome different than next time, which doesn't really work. We also do it with words, you know, we acknowledge our limits and boundaries and sensitivities.
We know when we're too stressed or overworked or, or emotionally vulnerable, we know where our limits are. And then we bully ourselves into overstepping them. So like, let's say, you know that it takes you a while to be interested in someone sexually. So maybe you're demisexual or maybe you don't label it, but it takes you a couple of days before you're interested in someone on an intimate level. So you know that about yourself, but then you still but then you still bully yourself when you don't feel ready for that. And you still try and push yourself to be comfortable with things that you're not comfortable with because of somebody else's needs.
Speaking of intimacy, a focus on the purely sexual is the next characteristic. fuck boy isn't interested in a full person. Not really. fuck boy is only looking for sexual satisfaction, and will only cuddle afterwards if they've missed their last bus home.
I would say that we mostly pleasure ourselves in the same way. There isn't usually much romance or connection is usually is more often a distraction, or a way to fall asleep. And do we give ourselves loving, comforting touches? Well, I don't think we do. I don't think many of us do, at least not as much as we need it.
Next up a lack of emotional investment. fuck boy will keep plenty of emotional distance between them and the person they are pursuing.
And usually we do the same to ourselves. We keep distance between ourselves and ourselves. Sometimes it even takes a breaking point for us to get close enough to realise what's actually happening in our brains. Like it can take bursting into frustrated tears at something small. Yes, this is what happened to me today.
Or maybe for you. It's the bubbling up of unprompted rage. And that's when you know that there's something going on deeper that you need to examine. There can be all of these big dramatic signs that let us know that we're ignoring our emotions, and they have to happen because we refuse to get close to our feelings on a daily basis.
I mean, maybe you don't have these big, dramatic outbursts. To indicate it's time to look inwards, Maybe for you it's hours of scrolling, or hours of Netflix or another addiction to numb out the uncomfortable feelings and refuse to address them. We all have periods when we refuse to invest in our own emotional selves. And it interrupts not only our ability to heal, but also to connect with other people. And sometimes it can even interrupt our ability to function.
The last one, as I said, is usually the last resort in the fuckboys arsenal, saying nasty things, but it tends to be a pretty early choice for our brains, we tend to be quite comfortable being nasty to ourselves. The emotional detachment of a fuck boy means they're able to be quite cruel when they feel rejected hurt or small. And when we feel rejected hurt or small, we tend to do the same thing to ourselves.
I don't know many people who haven't spiralled into self hatred at one time or another. And it's like whether your brain is making fun of you, or scolding you for everything that isn't perfect, or telling you that you're not worthy of love, happiness, care support. However, your brain does it, it's all self hatred. It's all saying nasty things to yourself. And we somehow think that negative self talk achieve something that like it's some justified punishment for ourselves that will resolve whatever it is that started off the spiral. Never really works that way.
But we forget that by the time it comes around, again, it can be a real cycle. So yeah, you can see how these behaviours that we know so well, in others in fuckboys. In shitty friends, we do them to ourselves all the time, we treat ourselves the way we definitely don't expect to be treated by others, we treat ourselves in a way that we would never dream of treating other people as well.
The biggest problem though, with being your own fuck boy, is that it leaves you feeling like you are lacking something that you need to get from someone else. So you feel like there is some empty space inside of you. Or there is some kind of approval or validation that you are lacking, that somebody else can provide for you. When you feel like that dating is no longer a search for like minded people to connect with, it becomes like this desperate attempt to find someone who can provide you with good thoughts to think about yourself and good feelings to feel, it becomes like much more vital and high stakes. And it's quite difficult to have fun when you feel like your happiness, validity worthiness, or rides on your next date.
When you're in this state, you're really just looking for someone to help you escape from your own brain. Which is no way to approach a first date. The thing is, is that other people can't provide that for us anyway, they won't always be there to churn out reassurance, validation and happiness for you. And other people's opinions and affection rarely really changed the way that we feel about ourselves. Maybe for like an hour, or like the first month of dating. But beyond that, it's just kind of like, it's just a, it's just like a plaster over the problem. It kind of like gives you a good feeling in the moment. And then it doesn't really help you heal at all. And there can be some really important restorative relationships that help you form a deeper connection with yourself. But they have to go hand in hand, you can't just you can't get everything you need in terms of emotional well being from another person.
So how do you get rid of a fuck boy?
Well, you don't really have to, you just have to start not believing what they tell you.
And to do that you have to build up some other beliefs to replace them. And that I can help you with. Okay, so there are four tools that I want to tell you about. And then one sort of shift in thinking, but we'll get to that.
Okay, so first up is free time alone. For some of us alone, time is amazing and lovely and important. And some of us can't stand it can't stand being alone. But it's something that we all need to learn how to do and get comfortable with. And something that we need to do regularly. Going to spend time by ourselves on a regular basis, so that we can process our thoughts and feelings and check in with ourselves really. Something that makes this so important is that if we're not spending time alone, and if we're not comfortable being alone, then Spending time with other people isn't really something that we do as a choice. It's not like an opportunity to connect or to chat. It's a desperate scramble away from ourselves. And you want to be spending time with other people because you care about them, and you're interested in them not, because you just don't want to be alone. But it can be scary to spend time alone. I mean, if you're not used to it, it can be really scary to be left alone with your thoughts.
So if you're consciously doing this for the first time, start with smaller amounts of time with some distractions, and then kind of move towards longer periods of time, when you can really just be with yourself and listen to what's going on in your head.
Hi, this is Editing Kim. So for the next 5/10 minutes, the audio quality changes. So sorry about that.
So here are some ideas, a walk, it doesn't have to be long, it can be five minutes. And it doesn't have to be anywhere gorgeous or breathtaking. That doesn't have to be an incredible view, it can literally be a walk around near your home.
Ideally, it would be a walk that doesn't have a purpose. So not walking to the shops not walking to meet someone, but just walking for the sake of it. However, if you want to kind of like take some conscious alone time as you're walking to work, or going to do the shopping or meeting up with someone, that's fine, too. You can listen to music, if being alone makes you very uncomfortable. Try and keep it peaceful and go for music rather than a podcast because music is kind of a bit more impersonal. Whereas a podcast, you really you can just ignore yourself and listening. The aim here is to have some peaceful time by yourself. So don't be in any rush. Make sure that you're nice and warm and wrapped up. Maybe make yourself a cup of tea and take it with you. And just have a walk by yourself.
If you feel comfortable, you can think over the things that are going on in your head. If you're in a particular mood, if you're feeling stressed or something you can take the time to self soothe, unpack what's going on in there.
You can also just take the time to be present in the world. If you have some trouble with this, it's good to kind of like use all of your senses to experience the day. So go through each sense. And notice something new. That's in the present moment. So let's say you're walking along you, you hear a dog bark, you can smell somebody's cooking coming out of their house, you can see a cargo past, you can feel the warm tea in your hands, you can taste the warm tea as well. And kind of like keep on going through your your senses to really experience what's happening to you in that moment.
Alright, if you're not interested in going for a walk, try sitting alone and not doing anything. It sounds kind of scary and also kind of boring. You can do this at home or you can do this out somewhere like in a park or something and just sit maybe have a notebook nearby. So you can write down things that come up for you. Or you can doodle if just sitting is uncomfortable. And just have a little sit down with yourself.
You can also try some more vigorous movement. So if there is a form of exercise that you enjoy, that you can do by yourself, like running or swimming, or cycling, or skating, then take some time to do this by yourself. And maybe you'll be focused in on what you're doing or maybe your mind will wander. Either way, you'll be able to spend some kind of like peaceful time alone.
And then you can spend some creative time alone as well. So like the doodling. When you're sitting alone, you can write a poem. You can do some drawings and painting. And it's when you're able to kind of like zone in to the moment that your mind can wander and you're like your grip on your brain. Kind of like determining what you're focusing on and what you're thinking about. kind of loosens and your brain is allowed to relax and you can start to feel your feelings more intimately.
The next thing that I recommend for reconnecting with yourself from getting your inner fuck boi to commit is basic and exquisite self care.
So I'm borrowing the phrase exquisite self care from Kara l of the unfuck, your brain podcast, you should definitely listen to it, it's really good. And it's exactly as it sounds. So if your mental health situation is such that exquisite self care is out of reach, the basic versions are also available.
So this can this can be in a few areas, like cooking, for example, is one we all need to eat, it can be, it can be difficult to get three meals in a day. So if you're struggling with that, making something very easy or simple, just a little bit extra. So having peanut butter on toast, for example, pretty basic. And then just adding like a little bit of cinnamon on top, or some banana slices, or some honey is kind of like an extra step to give yourself a special care. The exquisite version is cooking yourself your favourite meal, the type of thing that somebody who loves you would make for you. It doesn't have to be from scratch. But it does have to be like a proper treat. So like a proper effort that's gone into it, and maybe even eat it by candlelight with like a glass of wine. If you like wine. Can you tell that I don't drink. If you'd like wine to like wine, I would just have ribena
Another version of basic slash exquisite self care can be body care. So is the same concept. The basic version is taking a bit of extra time over the tasks that you always do anyway. So taking a little bit of extra time to put on your moisturiser, it can be a little face massage, as you put on your face cream, just an extra sprinkle of specialness on your basic self care tasks. The exquisite version, I mean, I think we all know about exquisite, exquisite, exquisite versions of body care. It's kind of like the only way that self care is really marketed to us at the moment. But it could be like a face mask, a hair mask, painting your nails, anything like that. It doesn't have to be expensive. You can make face masks with pretty basic ingredients like there's nice ones that you can make with oats and honey for dry skin. But you can find lots of recipes for that online. Same with hair masks, and it's basically just a little bit of pampering for yourself.
So yeah, then cleaning is another important area of self care. The basic version is to make your bed nicely in the morning. Even if the rest of your room is a mess. Make your bed put all of the clothes that you slept next to onto the floor and make your bed is really feels like love from your past self when you come into the room and you can just get into a nice made bed. The exquisite version is add another element when you're doing your cleaning. So change your sheets that's an extra bit maybe like spray a little bit perfume or like sprinkle some, am I an old lady?... talcum powder. Or like dusting powders, I'm thinking of the ones that you get from Lush that smell like lavender, sprinkle some in your sheets. So then when you get in it smells nice. Like a scented candle or some incense to make your room smell good. You could if you have like a wooden bedside table, you can polish it with some olive oil. Give some extra attention to the things that surround you to the things that you love. While you're cleaning.
These basic and exquisite versions of self care are a way to remind yourself of your worth, that you are lovable, and he will be loved in the way that you want to be one day. Approaching yourself with love in these moments is not only important self care, but it's also a good practice for keeping a connection with yourself. That way when you do meet someone, you won't lose yourself in a relationship you'll have a special connection to yourself already.
Alright, so next up is investing in friendships. So if you're somebody that is really suffering from your inner fuck boy and the rest of your dating life is completely stifled, never mind kind of like your mental state anyway, with somebody living in your brain being so mean to you. It's important to reach out to friends and nurture those relationships. Spending time with people that love you is great feedback for your brain to remember that you are lovable and worthy of love. And getting different perspectives from other people is also really important.
If there's something that you yearn to do with a significant other Try arranging to do it with a friend. This could be like, I just want to go for a nice walk, walk by the river, look at the lights, also beautiful. Go and do that with your friend. If there's a film that you really want to see, that's kind of romantic, go on a friend date to see it with somebody that you love. And if you don't have very many close connections with friends at the moment, try pursuing those. Look for ways to connect with the people that you know. Even if the relationship between the two of you is quite, quite surface level, you're just sort of colleagues or what's the word, associates. acquaintances. If you're just acquaintances, reach out, ask how they're doing. Ask if you'd like to, if they'd like to have a coffee with you.
Oh, my God. I hope that that wasn't recording in the wrong mic.
Yeah, it was.
And if you don't have even any surface friends at the moment, look for ways that you can make friends both on and offline. Message people you see on Instagram, have a look at meetup, there's all kinds of groups and all kinds of areas for all kinds of interests. And there's a queer version for almost every kind of like subsection. So there's like queer reading groups, there's queer sports teams, all kinds of stuff, has lots of events that you can join virtually, and lots that you can show up in person. So to reach out and connect with other people.
Not only is it nice to connect with other people, but also, it's really important to have some friends, if you are interested in finding a relationship, it's important to have other connections besides your significant other, to offer perspective, to offer support, to take pressure off the relationship. And because there's so many lovely people to know. And finally, affirmations.
So, I've spoken about affirmations before on Instagram, and maybe on the podcast and definitely to a lot of my clients. But if you're feeling a bit hopeless about things, either about finding friends, or about finding a partner, or, or the way you look, if you're feeling a bit hopeless about any area of your life, I don't think that it can be minimised how much of an impact that can have on you. I think that, for example, when you're single, and you really want to find someone to connect with, it can take up all of your mind all of your brain space, and it can infiltrate into all areas of your life. That longing and yearning can really be all encompassing. And so it's important to kind of soothe those feelings of hopelessness. And the best way I know how to do that is with affirmations. These can be related to dating specifically or in any other area. And honestly, they replace all of the nasty things that your inner voice says to you.
Okay, I'm going to read out my affirmations
as I wrote mine in the format of a letter to myself from the future. If that would work for you, then go for that. But that's not necessary. So I'll just read out a couple of them. So you, you know what I mean.
I take care of myself first.
I have thoughtful boundaries, and people do not cross them.
I am creative,
I am reliable.
I am honest.
I make time for the things that I care about.
I make time for the people I care about.
And I wrote mine on like pretty note paper and put it in an envelope. That is not necessary. It's also not necessary for you to write them out every day. I like to do that when I have the time. You can just put them up on your mirror or on your phone as your phone background or any other notes and go to them. Anytime you feel hopeless. Anytime you feel overwhelmed, to remind yourself of who you are and who you're becoming. Yeah. That is really what I need to do in order to maintain good mental health. And I know that it can be really helpful so I wanted to share
Okay, those were the methods to connect with yourself and quieten your inner fuck boy. Okay, so the different way of thinking, all fuckboys are just sad, scared, little babies stuck inside adult bodies, they've learned these ways of finding scraps of power, and happiness, and sexual satisfaction.
But nobody learns how to do that from a good place, you know, they're trying to make up for something that is a bit wrong, a sadness, a lack of self acceptance. And I think that we can all kind of relate to that. I don't necessarily think that we should treat real fuck bois with a huge amount of compassion. I think that we all have a right to be angry, and to express that when we are treated in an unacceptable way. But when it comes to our own inner fuck boi, this is just a message from the scared child part of ourselves. And I think that a mindset shift that can be helpful in dealing with this is approaching this in a child, or this inner fuck boy, with love and compassion.
So a way that you can do this is when your brain brings up something for you to think about. Like, what if we never find anyone? And you're alone forever? Or what if we are just really annoying? And all of our friends are just pretending to like us? And actually, nobody likes us? Or something to do with work? Like, what if you actually don't have any skills or abilities, and you've just tricked everyone? Classic imposter syndrome.
Whenever your brain brings something like this to you kind of treat it the way you would treat a child that was scared.
So you say, Oh, it's okay. It's okay. That's not true. I understand why you're worried about that. But that's not true. Everything's alright. Thank you for sharing that with me. But you don't need to worry. You don't need to say that anymore. And give, give the thought a hug. And then usually things like that will leave easier if you don't resist them. If you let them say their piece and listen and reassure yourself that that's not the truth. And that's not something to worry about. Give yourself some love and tell the negative self talk that is not needed. This is one way that the inner fuck boi is different from your everyday garden variety fuck boi when you approach you're in a fuck boi with love and genuine compassion for yourself. For the things that you're worried about.
They tend to leave
or they come back less often, or they come back with less energy, less aggression, less terrible negative thoughts.
So yeah, the next time that you are spiralling or panicking about your dating life, try that. Try listening to your brains whole thought, let your brain talk all the way to the end of its logic, about you dying alone and never finding someone and then say, That's okay. I can see why you you're worried about that. But that's not gonna happen. Everything's gonna be okay.
And if you're still having trouble, you can always hire me. We can do a reconnect to dating session, where we talk over your past dating life and the things that you want out of dating, help you form a better idea of it, which is just one session. Or you can sign up as a matchmaking client and I can find someone for you.
And if not, I wish you all the best luck in connecting with yourself and then connecting with someone else. Or a couple of other people. Okay, that's it for today. There's no impossible match this time.
And yeah, so next time, the old format will be back again. And I hope that this was useful to you and I hope that you can defeat your inner fuck boy and find some real connections and have a good day. Thank you for listening