Updated: Dec 1, 2021
This post was written to go with this podcast episode - check it out!
Seriously, are you?
When you're entertaining a fuck boi in your life, the rest of your dating life is stifled - even if you're fuck boi-ing yourself
Okay, let me define Fuck boi for you:
Someone of any gender who plays with people's feelings doesn't really like them, and would do /say anything to get what they want.
They don't have respect for the people they date, but they rely on them heavily. Fuck bois are distant and won’t commit.
Ref - dictionary.com + urbandictionary
A fuck boi? In my brain? - it's more likely than you think...
Well let's lay out the classic tools of a fuck boi, and I'll show you how you use those on yourself all the time:
A focus on the purely sexual
A lack of emotional investment
A lack of true connection
Maybe saying some manipulative/abusive things
You know - it's the silence for weeks followed by a message at 2am asking if you're about, the vibe of only messaging you when there is no one better to talk to.
And don't we all treat ourselves that way most of the time?
Preferring to point our attention at anything else but ourselves?
Having a hierarchy that puts our own needs always at the bottom of the list?
Only addressing ourselves when we've run out of distractions?
The Fuck Boi uses attention and validation as a manipulative tool - giving only enough to 'breadcrumb' you along behind them - has you happy over the bare minimum and hungry for the next crumb.
We do this to ourselves when we have conditions for our worth.
These conditions are in very small print - you might not even notice them - but maybe you'll feel them pop up as you read on.
Promising ourselves happiness, only once we look a certain way, achieve a certain goal, or meet a certain standard.
Requiring that we get approval from a stranger to prove our desirability before we will believe it.
These feelings of being good enough lasting an hour at best before we are sent out to find more crumbs of validation.
The idea that our value depends on our looks, achievements or status is taught to us by a society that can profit off of us when we feel unworthy. We even see the inconsistent validation as a 'motivator' and has us feeling that if we don't stake our happiness on being skinny, healthy, successful, pretty, rich, or in a relationship we wouldn't bother to do any of it.
Sometimes the actions of a fuck boi don't match up with what they say, sometimes they even contradict themselves with words.
We do this all the time, setting standards for ourselves and then refusing to meet them. Saying we will eat healthily, exercise, and only date people who respect us, do quite the opposite AND THEN we even punish ourselves for it afterward.
We also do it with words - we acknowledge our limits, boundaries, and sensitivities, and then bully ourselves into overstepping them.
We tell ourselves that we are worthy of love, and then we slag ourselves off in our own brains.
A focus on the purely sexual
Fuck boi isn't interested in a full person really, fuck boi is only looking for sexual satisfaction - and will only cuddle afterward if they've missed their last bus home.
I would say that we mostly pleasure ourselves the same way?
Without much romance or connection, more of a distraction or a way to fall asleep.
And do we give ourselves loving, comforting touch as well?
A lack of emotional investment
Fuck boi will keep plenty of emotional distance between them and the person they are pursuing and usually, we do the same to ourselves.
Sometimes it even takes a breaking point for us to get close enough to realize what is actually happening in our heads.
It can take bursting into frustrated tears at something small (yes this is what happened to me today) or maybe the bubbling up of unprompted rage, or cruelty to let us know that we are ignoring our emotions.
Maybe it's hours of scrolling, Netflix, or another addiction to numb out uncomfortable feelings.
We all have periods when we refuse to invest in our own emotional selves, and it interrupts our ability to heal, connect, and sometimes even to function.
Even saying nasty things
The emotional detachment of a fuck boi means they are able to be quite cruel when they feel rejected, hurt or small.
When we feel like that, don't we tend to do the same to ourselves?
I don't know many people who haven't spiraled into self-hatred at one time or another - whether your brain makes fun of you, scolds you for every little thing that isn't perfect, or tells you that you aren't worthy of love, happiness, care or support.
We somehow think that this negative self-talk achieves something - that it is a punishment that will resolve whatever started off the spiral - it never works though.
The biggest problem with being your own fuck boi, is that it leaves you feeling like you are lacking something that you need to get from someone else. At this point dating is no longer a search for like-minded people to connect with - it's an attempt to find someone who can provide you with good thoughts to think about yourself and good feelings to feel. Someone to help you escape from your own brain.
But other people can't provide that for you, they won't always be there to churn out reassurance, validation, and happiness for you - and other people's opinions and affection rarely change the way you feel about yourself for very long.
So how do you get rid of a Fuck boi?
Well, you don't really have to, you just have to start not believing what they tell you.
To do that you've got to build up some other beliefs to replace them, I can help you with that.
Okay, but how do you do that? Heal a relationship with yourself?
Free time alone
Basic & Exquisite self care
Investing in friendships
Free Time Alone
Alone time may bring a sense of comfort, it might feel a bit lonely - some judgmental thoughts might come up. Either way, it's important to spend peaceful time with yourself, so here are some things that can help:
A walk - doesn’t have to be long, or anywhere special - ideally, it would be a walk for no reason but to the shops is okay too - listening to music or not, the aim is to have a peaceful time alone
Sitting alone - at home or out somewhere, take some time to sit alone - have a notebook nearby if you find you want to draw or write
Movement - if there is a form of exercise that you enjoy - like running, swimming or cycling - take some time to do this alone
Creativity - even a doodle or a poem will do
Basic & Exquisite self-care
The Basic version could be making something simple a little extra - like peanut butter on toast but with some cinnamon or banana slices or something - it’s a small way of giving yourself some special care.
The Exquisite version is cooking yourself your favourite meal - it doesn’t have to be from scratch but it does have to be a proper treat - maybe even eat by candlelight
It’s the same concept here, maybe you take some extra time moisturizing your legs, or do a little face massage as you put on your face cream.
The Exquisite version could be a face mask, a hair mask, painting your nails, anything you like.
Basic: make your bed nicely in the morning - it really feels like love from your past self
Exquisite: Add another element - put clean sheets on the bed, light a scented candle or incense, polish a wooden dresser with a little olive oil, give some attention to the things that you love
In these moments - it is important to remind yourself of your worth, that you are loveable and you will be loved in the way you want one day. Approaching yourself with love in these moments is not only important self-care, but also important for keeping a connection with yourself when you do meet someone, and good practice for loving another person.
It’s good to be mindful of your energy levels, and not be too harsh on yourself, and not be mean to yourself if you don’t take this time to be alone and connect to yourself - but remember, even 10 minutes is good.
If you're looking for someone to help you feel wanted, feel loved and give some romance in your life - try and create those things for yourself. If you get those things from yourself - then being in a relationship becomes more possible because you are more comfortable giving and receiving love - plus there is less weight and drama on a partner staying - as you know you will be looked after if you guys break up.
I hope this has helped, and make sure you listen to the podcast or read the transcript for more details on all of these tips :)